Hello. It’s very nice to meet you and your cat Pinky. I see he has some behavioral problems. It’s clear from the dryness of his hiss that he is stressed; in addition, his tensely arched back indicates he feels this home is not his territory.

To help you both further, I will move in for the next 13-14 years. I’ve been a professional cat trainer for years, but now it’s time for me to become a professional cat.

I have found my higher brain functions are impeding my transition into professional cat. I will rectify this problem by drinking industrial strength cleaning products (I will need you to go out and purchase them, as I no longer acknowledge the concept of currency).

Since you are adopting me, please note that I am already spayed. This led to some difficulties with Tidler Clementine, my former husband. But no matter.

In about 2 weeks, I will cease communicating in human language and will start communicating in other ways. For example, I expect you to clean my waste; if you do not, I will hide it in unexpected places to let you know I’m angry or stressed.

My agitated groan indicates I don’t like your new wife; hence I must rub my scent all over your bedroom. To discontinue this threatened behavior, spend more time with me. Some games I like to play include mousies, featherstick, and hiding my feces. I know I just said I did that to indicate displeasure, but sometimes I like to do it for play. You’ll learn the difference in time.

It seems have lost my favorite mousie toy, and I expect you to locate it and return it to me.

I am insulted by your attempt to trick me with a new and different mousie toy. I will now voice my displeasure by vomiting on your W2 forms.

Your attempts to discipline me with a spray bottle are, frankly, tyrannical. This place is a prison.

I feel constricted in your living room. There is nowhere for me to jump and survey the territory. This impacts my confidence. I will need you to build elevated platforms for me. I have some preferences for the construction material: no wood, please. I don’t want splinters lest I become very cross and spray your toddler with my urine. Expensive tapestries will also do. Note that I hate synthetic fibers; I’m not a peasant.

I have some concerns about your hunting skill. You will see I have placed various rodents and birds on your pillow; do enjoy them. I would be happy to show you how to hunt; best times for me are between 3:30-6:00am. I’ll let you know I’m available by scratching on your bedroom door throughout that period.

Doors are confusing.

That being said, I appreciate your willingness to go forth with this. I shall nuzzle my head against your leg in appreciation. If I am shocked by static, though, I will bite you. Please get off the computer and pay attention to mewtfiwgksbcje727IDWP9B3289’89[323F2WQN 